Free Country My Ass
by dontEVENgirlfriend
Summary: Super shitty old fic where Homestar and Strong Bad get turned into humans. I stopped writing it 'cause it was gonna be way too Opposites Attractish.


A crappy old Homestar/Strong Bad story I abandoned for being to Opposites Attract-ish/. Also, it sucks.

"Uh, listen, guys..." Standing on the lush green grass of Free Country U.S.A., everyone's favourite wrestleman addressed his creators, his voice holding a rather frantic tone.

"'I need to get out of here, pronto. Why? Uh, let's just say...Bubs liked having his head switched with Pom-Pom's even less than he did with the Coach..." Nodding, the younger of The Brother's Chaps selected the frantic Strong Bad, dragging him onto a small picture of Chicago he had open at the moment. He ignored the small fragment of Homestar's hat he had caught in the frame, assuming that whatever antics the missing hat piece of hat caused would be highly amusing.

Strong Bad strolled along the small picture, looking rather out-of place as he stepped on top of the stand-still heads of Chicago's citiens. As he heard his brother call him, Mike stepped away from the computer, letting Strong Bad explore the four-inch picture on his own until things died down in F.C.U.S.A..

He failed to notice, however, as he left the room, that as Strong Bad continued his exploration of Chicago, he had completely vanished from the picture he had been placed in.

"Ugh!" Strong Bad yelped, as he was brought crashing down on Chicago's gum-covered sidewalk. Looking up to the sky, he shook his fist, yelling, "A little GENTLER with the drag n' drop, pal!"

He stopped talking as he realied that he was no longer talking to a large head behind a screen, but, instead, a clouded blue sky. Looking around, it also occured to him that the people in this 'picture' were, in fact, _moving_.

"Whewe in the cwap..."

That wasn't his voice. Wheeling around, he spotted a farmilliar looking person, rubbing his head and groaning. Had it not been for his outfit and that stupid speech impediment of his, he probably never would have pegged the man as, "HOMESTAR?!"

Strong Bad gaped at the man, mouth hanging open in disbelief. "What in the crap HAPPENED to you?"

Standing up and dusting himself off, Homestar looked at Strong Bad with a rather confused expression on his face. "...Who awe you?"

"What the crap do you MEAN, 'who am I'? I'm Strong Bad, you idiot! Who do I look like?!" Growling, Strong Bad crossed his arms and stood by Homestar, attempting to look intimidating but failing due to his height.

"...Not Stwong Bad." Homestar confirmed, nodding affermitavely.

"I don't look like myself? What about you, mop head? Since when do you have hair?" Both Homestar's eyebrows and hand shot up as Strong Bad spoke, yanking a large piece of hair down in front of his eyes so he could see it.

"What the cwap?" He seemed to be demanding an answer from the hair itself as he stared at it in disbelief. That was most definately not supposed to be there.

"What about you Mistew, uhm...haiw head!" Homestar attempted a witty insult akin to Strong Bad's, although failing rather miserably. This gathered about the same reaction from Strong Bad, who's head shot to a nearby window as he groped at the back of his head. This, however, brought him no results, causing him to, very reluctantly, remove his mask. When he finally caught his hair's reflection, he broke into a smirk, turning back to face Homestar.

"Hah! You got the worse end of this deal, man. I look like I came straight outta Limoeen." He ran his hand over the thick blonde locks now sitting on his head, still admiring himself in the window, "Buisness in the front, party in the back"

"Stwong Bad, whewe awe we?" Homestar probed, glaring at his vain friend. This was returned by a 'beats me' from Strong Bad, who continued his self-adoration.

"This is definately not Fwee Countwy..." Homestar huffed as Strong Bad finally turned around. Strong Bad's face held a strange expression as he finally looked at Homestar from head to toe.

"What? What's with the weiwd face?" Homestar demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"...Dude. Get some pants on."

This answer surprised Homestar, who defensively shot back, "Long pants, Strong Bad, I weaw long pants."

"Yeah...no." Pointing at Homestar's leg, Strong Bad smirked at the yelp Homestar let out as he saw that, no, he wasn't wearing any pants.

"I knew you weren't wearing pants." Strong Bad snorted, smirk remaining on his masked face.

"Was SO!" Homestar protested.

"It's not MY fault this stupid place can't figure it out! I mean, it's not like I have haiw, eithew, ow -- WHAT THE HECK AWE THESE?!" Wiggling his fingers in front of his face, Homestar looked like he was about to faint.

"... You JUST noticed those?"

"You LOST them? You LOST Strong Bad and Homestar? How do you LOSE two cartoon characters?!" Matt screamed at his brother, clutching at his head.

"One minute they were on my desktop, and then they were GONE I don't know HOW, it just happened!" Mike shot back.

"Where did you PUT them?" Matt demanded of his brother, making his way over to the computer.

"Well, this picture of Chicago was on the desktop, and --" Mike explained, quickly being cut off by his brother.

"You sent them to Chicago?!"

"'Scuse me, miss?" Homestar, having finally recovered from the discovery of his hands, had begun probing people for information, "Could you tell me whewe we are wight now?"

She looked at him like he was the dumbest thing on the planet, before gesturing up to a large sign that proclaimed, 'Come to Chicago's Best Restaurant'. Once Homestar finished gawking at the huge bilboard, he promply turned back to the woman and asked in awe, "This WHOLE thing is ONE westawaunt?!"

Taking a drag on her cigarette, she continued staring at Homestar like an escaped mental patient, "What are you, retarded? We're in Chicago."

"Well you could've just said so!" Homestar frowned at the rude lady, about to give her a lesson on good manners when he remembered to ask, "Is that in Fwee Countwy U.S.A.?"

She gave a snort at this question, taking another drag before replying, "Free country? Free my tatooed ass."

Strong Bad's interest in the woman was piqued as the topic of her ass was brought up, causing him to slip his mask back on and walk over to where the pair was standing.

"Homestar, leave the hot babe handling to me." Shoving him aside, Strong Bad proceeded to show of his expert ladying skills.

"Hey, babe, what's say we ditch the dorkwad and grab a coffee?" He grinned, positive he had just wooed the everloving crap out of the woman. His date plan, however, was replied to only with a snort as the woman began to walk off.

"No thanks," She replied over her shoulder, "I don't wanna make your boyfriend mad"

"Hobijub...whudjub...jubba...jibba...BOYFRIEND?" Strong Bad screamed at the back of the obviously delousional woman.

"Listen, lady, I don't know WHERE the crap you got an idea like that but -- NO, JUST...NO." Positively fuming, Strong Bad payed no mind to the fact that the woman was far ot of earshot by then, instead turning to the pantsless Homestar.

"This is SO your fault" He growled, angrily crossing his arms over his chest. "You in that freakin' dress and pair of go-go boots."

Grabbing Homestar's arm, he began dragging him towards a nearby store, "Come on, we're getting you some pants, NOW."

"Ow, Strong Bad, that huwts" Homestar complained as he was dragged down the sidewalk and into a nearby store. He immediately pushed the discomfort from his mind as he entered the store. It was quite a sight to behold for someone who had only ever been able to shop at Bubs'.

"...This is fweaking SWEET, Stwong Bad"

"What EVER, just get some pants, Dorkstar."

Homestar, however, was completely speechless as he stared at the rows of clothes before him. It was like he was in clothing heaven.

"You two need some, uh...help?" The girl at the counter asked, giving both half-naked men an odd look.

"I look awesome." Strong Bad said, leaning on the counter.

"But dorkwad over there seriously needs a style update."

"Whoa, Stwong Bad, check this out!" Homestar pointed to a large neon sign in the back of the store, flashing 'GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS'.

"For crap sake, dorkstar, just get some freakin' pants already." Strong Bad groaned, turning back to the girl behind the counter.

"Say, babe, when's you're lunch break?" He asked, leaning over the counter.

"Ended five mintues ago." She replied, not looking up from what she was doing.

"Check these out, Stwong Bad!" Homestar smiled, proudly holding up a pair of blue and white pants.

"Uh, that's real great, Dorkstar. Just pay for them and let's get out of here."

"Uh, Stwong Bad, I don't have any money." Homestar told him as he dropped the pants on the counter.

"Oh, fer...You think I do?" Strong Bad sighed, slapping himself in the forehead.

"Uh, are you guys gonna buy those or not?" The girl at the counter asked, giving the pair an extremely strange look.

"No. Dorkstar here forgot his freakin' money." Strong Bad huffed, beginning to walk out. However, counter girl leaned over the counter and grabbed Strong Bad's arm before he could walk any further.

"Listen, man, you two go out there like that, you're gonna get the shit beaten outta yah." She told him, "This ain't a nice part of Chicago. 'N' while it's nice that you two are so, uh...proud, you guys need to put some clothes on."

She let go of his arm, walking into the back.

"Stay there for a sec."

"What'd she mean we'we 'pwoud'? Homestar asked, watching the girl walk into the back.

"Pwoud of what?" He looked around to see if there was anything he should have been proud of. Strong Bad just rolled his eyes, slumping agaisnt the counter.

"She thinks we're-- ugh, nevermind. I don't even want to think about that. Major jibblie." He shuddered, looking back to see if the girl was coming back yet.

"She thinks we'we what?" Homestar asked, poking Strong Bad in the shoulder.

"I don't know why she thinks I need clothes." Strong Bad mumbled, ignoring Homestar's uestion completely. "I look awesome."

"Pwoud of what, Stwong Bad?" Homestar was bouncing up and down, beyond anxious to know what he should be proud of. Unfortunately, he was inturrupted by Counter Girl returning and slamming a large box of clothes down on the counter.

"Here.'S fulla clothes we can't sell. Make sure none of 'em have a huge hole in the crotch or anythin'." She smiled once her work was done, and once again dissapeared into the back.

"Stupid broad...'Proud' my eye." Strong Bad snorted, sorting through the box of clothes. Luckily for him, Homestar seemed to have forgotten about the whole 'proud' issue entirely, and was happily sorting through the box.

"These awe awesome!" Homestar grinned, pulling out a small white pair of pants.

"Yeah, they're also made for girls." Strong Bad groaned.

It just wasn't fair. Why did he have to get stuck with the biggest nimrod on the planet? He gave a sigh, pulling an Iron Maiden shirt with only one sleeve out of the box.

"How do you know?" Homestar asked, thoroughly inspecting the pants.

"Fine, try 'em on, see if I care." Strong Bad replied, slipping on the shirt.

"Fine, I will." Homestar huffed, attempting to pull the pants on over his boots. It wasn't working very well.

"Wats." He said, leaning on the counter and pulling his boots off, then trying to get the pants on once again. While he was hopping around, his shirt flipped up, and just in time for Strong Bad to turn around and see.

Homestar Runner was not wearing underwear.

Strong Bad turned an interesting shade of purple.

"Hobidja- jib...jub...hobojubolaybejub jibbleibblub." Strong Bad shuddered, turning away from the awful sight as fast as he could.

"Ohgodohgodohgod."

"You okay?" Counter Girl asked as she returned.

"Uh, NO. I just saw THE most disgusting...jibbuluh...thing in the WORLD." Strong Bad shuddered again.

"Geez, sorry, thought I got all the rats outta that box." She apologised, putting the box back behind the counter.

"Uh, listen. Thanks for getting Dorkstar some pants..." Strong Bad leaned over to check Coutner Girl's nametag, "Sarah. But I have to go scrub my eyes out now."

"Yeah, thanks, these things awe fwiggin' sweet!" Homestar said, completely oblivious to what had just happened to poor Strong Bad.

Once they were out the door, Sarah leaned on he counter and sighed, resting her head on her hand.

"God...Gay people are so weird."


End file.
